Things your significant other should never do when you're pregnant!

I'm quickly realizing that men make stupid mistakes when their wives are pregnant. So, I'm making a list of things he should never do! lol So what if it's my pregnancy hormones talking??! lol Normally, I AM a much more stable person! I promise. lol

1. If I "suggest" that a certain food looks, smells, or tastes good, I'm not telling you this for my health. It means I have a craving.
2. If I have a craving, I NEED it! And YES, if I don't get it, I may murder something.
3. If I get a craving, and it takes you longer than 20 minutes to get it, don't get annoyed if by the time you get home with it, I don't want it anymore, and the thought of it makes me sick.
4. Don't ever tell me that my pants look tight....for your own safety...especially if I have had a craving in the last 24 hours. And ESPECIALLY if I had a craving that did not get fulfilled.
5. If I need help with ANYTHING, it is your cue to tell me to sit down and rest and to let you do it.
6. You should automatically offer your help instead of waiting for me to ask.
7. Don't shake any body parts (i.e. Your legs) It annoys me...and no, I don't have a particular reason. It just does.
8. Don't fart. Even in your sleep.
9. Don't EVER look at another woman, in person OR on TV. It may not annoy me normally, but NOW I am pregnant, fat, and ugly, and it's your fault.
10. Pregnant women fart, burp, get heartburn, throw-up on a daily basis, and every other disgusting thing you can imagine. Get over it and pretend you didn't notice it.
11. Restrain your flailing limbs when you're sleeping. I wake up enough during in the middle of the night to pee. I don't need you adding to it. Before you comment, read #12.
12. Hormonal brains are not logical.
13. So WHAT if a movie doesn't make sense!? I don't care if the main character could have done something in 10 minutes instead of 1 and a half hours. Read #12 again.
14. Your job is to make me comfortable. If I need a back rub at 3am, I need a back rub.
15. You should ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS carry your cell phone with you. I certainly don't need to mention that it comes in handy if...oh let's say..I go into labor! But it also helps if I have a craving and you're not home.
16. Excuse me if I don't want your tongue shoved down my throat when I'm nauseous. And we won't mention sex either. You'll be lucky if I decide to EVER do that again. After all, it's your fault that I'm pregnant.
17. If I say it's your fault, then it is.
18. Don't argue. I'm always right. We can go back to negotiating AFTER the hormones are gone.
19. You can't win an argument. Don't try. You'll just wind up sleeping on the couch.
20. If you're annoying me, then stop doing whatever it is you were doing.
21. Playing computer games 24/7 annoys me.
22. Drinking something straight from the bottle or jug annoys me...and makes me want to puke.
23. Cutting your toenails in front of me makes me gag.
24. Feet are gross. Don't put yours near me.
25. I can smell you a mile away after you've done anything physical. It makes me gag. Don't get offended if I tell you about it. I don't care. I just want you to fix it.
26. If I want you to spend time with me, that means NOW. Not in 20 minutes. The "Ok, let me finish this first." doesn't apply to you.
27. I don't like beards, or anything that may become a beard if left unshaven. Fix it. Immediately. ESPECIALLY if I've made a comment.
28. Innocent statements,observations, and comments have a deeper meaning. Figure it out, and do it.
29. Taking what I say at face value is hazardous to your health. Learn to read between the lines.
30. I reserve the right to change my mind about anything, anytime, anywhere.
31. If you do something to embarrass me, even if you have no clue that you're doing it, I will pretend that I don't know you.
32. I get pissed of EXTREMELY easily. So what if I remind you of Satan? Get used to it. It'll pass eventually.
33. I cry at stupid things. This will get worse the fatter I get. Get used to it. Your job is to console me.
34. Don't touch me when you're consoling me. It only reminds me that I'm pregnant, fat, and ugly, and it'll make me cry harder.
35. Pregnant women do get horny. If I actually do deign to gift you that privilege, don't turn me down because the baby belly scares or repulses you. Close your eyes.
36. I reserve the right to make up new rules at any moment.
37. You don't have any input- anywhere, anytime, or for any reason. Refer back to #18 and #19.

Of course, I'll probably wind up adding more as my belly - therefore, my attitude - gets bigger. :-) Comments and additions are welcome!