PLEASE HELP!

PLEASE HELP!

My aunt is in the process of trying to adopt her grandson who was born a crack baby and at only 2 weeks old, he was in the hospital with a fractured skull and was recently diagnosed with a brain bleed. They are having trouble with the expenses of caring for him and need help! They could use formula, baby clothes, accessories such as swings and playmats, etc..If you can help, please ask me for details!

Hunter is SO small to be going through all of this. He is the cutest little baby, and is having so many problems already. He also has one of the worst cases of colick his doctors have ever seen, so he cries pretty much all day and all night.

You can also read about Hunter on my aunt's blog here. They could use any help you are able to give! Please let me know!

How To

HOW TO MAKE A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH:
(If you're 5 years old)


1.)Whine at your mom for 20 minutes until she gives up, finishes, drags herself out of a nice, warm shower all soaking wet and shivering, and pulls the bread down from the inconveniently high cabinet.
- Or you could just let mom finish her shower and drag a chair (on wheels...chairs on wheels are the best for this task) into the kitchen, climb up to the cabinet, and knock out every item on the shelves to get to the bread.


2.) Repeat the same process for the peanut butter. Let mom get all the way back into the shower and then complain that you wanted crunchy peanut butter...noooott the creamy kind.

3.) Ignore exaperated pleas from your mom to let her at least wash the damn shampoo out of her hair and demand a knife. Accept the plastic substitute, because there is no way in heck your mom is going to give you a real one. But complain loud, and very whiny, that you want a REAL one.

4.) Open the refrigerator so hard that the milk comes flying out and falls to the floor, popping the little plastic top off so that all the milk flows to the floor.

5.) Say just barely loud enough for your mom to hear, "Uh oh," and ignore her when she says from the bathroom, "What do you MEAN, uh oh???? What dd you do??? Did you break anything?"

6.) Leave milk on floor and cover it with a paper towel.

7.) Get jelly out of the refrigerator. Grape jelly only. Apple jelly is yucky. Your mom will eat it. Leave refrigerator door open.

8.) Stand on the chair (the one on wheels), and proceed to smear the peanut butter onto every surface in the kitchen. Bonus points if you can do it without leaving the chair. Don't forget to get it into the toaster.

9.) Repeat process with the jelly, but this time, make sure to get the jelly all over the burners on the stove so that it catches on fire the next time your mom turns it on. Think of it as a jelly surprise, or a jelly candle.

10.) Leave all ingredients on the counters...or floor.

11.) Sit in front of the TV and ignore your mom when she comes out of the bathroom, walks into the kitchen, and screams.

An open letter...

Dear Ms. Cashier-at-the-gas-station-lady,

I have seen you in this gas station every single day...well, Monday through Friday anyways...for the last 6 months. You are not new. As per your bragging to another customer a few weeks ago, you have been doing your job for 2 years. So, why do you ACT like you're new??

Why do you have to call your manager to ask how to print a receipt out? You would think that all you have to do is print the "Receipt" button. It's on the register. I've seen it. I'm just sayin'. It's not that hard.

And another thing about that receipt. Sure, I may need to pump my gas before you give me a receipt, but there isn't any reason I can't tell you in advance that I'm going to need one. I did the whole gas station thing back in college. I know how it works. I know that you can't print a receipt for a purchase that happened prior to the most recent 3 purchases on that model of cash register. So, when I tell you I need one, when I'm done pumping and the thingy beeps at you, just print my receipt. Pretty please??? And no attitude. It makes you look like a fool. I'm just sayin.'

I could always start using the gas station across from you that has the fancy pumps that print your receipt right at the pump while you're still hanging the damn thing up. And the machines have yet to sprout annoying gum-chewing habits that sound like a cow chewing cud.

And machines sure don't hold up lines with incessant chatter to the customer at the register that just succeed in holding up the line. Want to know why? They don't talk. You don't need to say anything either other than "Have a nice day. Come again!" At 7:00 in the morning, I'm not much of a conversationalist anyways. I'm just sayin'. I really, really don't want to hear about the boil under your arm that you just got lanced, and not it keeps leaking pus, so you're going to go back to the doctor and make him clean it, and give you antibiotics, because your absolutely sure that you're going to get an infection and die, and then your husband would sue the crap out of the doctor, because obviously he doesn't know what he was doing, and he is way too young to be a doctor anyways. What's with all these young doctors today anyways? How is it possible for them to be legal? They're too young to have even just begun med school much less being ACTUAL doctors. Why, back in your day, all the good doctors were much older than you were....

You see where this is going? Yeah. Listening to that kind of stuff every morning is kind of annoying, so Ms. Cashier-at-the-gas-station-lady, can you just please, please, PLEASE just shut-UP??!!

Little piggy

My youngest, who is now almost 14 months old, is (obviously) growing and picking new things up on a daily basis. I sometimes refer to him at Satan's spawn (mainly because he has the most devilish personality and attitude sometimes occasionally all the time), but to me, he and his brother are my WORLD!

Even with him being impossible at times, he is cracking me up SO hard!

Case in point:

The other day, I noticed him shoving waffles down his gullet as fast as he could. Since I had not given him any waffles, I was kind of curious to how in the hell he got them. I watched him toddle over to the printer (Yes, the ACTUAL printer hooked up to the computer), flip the lid down, pull out waffles, and shove them in his mouth!

Yeah. Now, I've heard of kids hiding toys in just about anything (my brother even made the drawer under the stove his toy box), but hiding food???? In the printer???? He's special. That's all I have to say.

He's also FASCINATED with water! All kinds. He's a regular water baby. He even automatically starts kicking his legs and frogging his way in the pool when I hold him in the water on his stomach. But in the bathtub, he's thrilled with playing with the water as it comes out of the spout. A few days ago, he even started leaning down, turning his head, and drinking out of the spout. Like a dog. Yeah, he's special.

He's also an expert at playing peek-a-boo. It's the most adorable thing I've ever seen, but he has his own special version. This is how you play: Grab mommy's head with both your fists. Hold REALLY tight and dig in your fingernails. Now put your head on the side of her head (ear to ear). Now really fast, swing your head so that you are now forehead to forehead, and grin like crazy and drool on her.


He also like to play torture-my-brother. He thinks it's hilarious to eyeball my oldest while he's watching his favorite show, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, slowly walk or crawl to the TV while still watching him, and then jump in front of the TV and bang on it (often changing the channel) usually during an "exciting" moment in the show. Makes Dalton squeal and scream every time!

He also is a very crafty, sneaky child. He will walk or crawl to the door when I have it open smoking on the porch. I always tell him "No-no" when he tries to cross the threshold, and he is really good about stopping. He shoots me exasperated, dirty looks from time to time, but he does stop. Now, he will grab a toy (usually a ball) and try to chunk it out the door. His theory is if he throws something, I'll let him go outside to retrieve it. Every time, he will throw and then immediately go crawling after it. I've gotten really good at frisking him for toys and taking them away from him before he gets close to the door.

But NOW, he tries to fake you out. Seriously. He will take 1 ball and wave that all around to get your attention and then try to chunk it out the door. I grab it, turn and throw it back into the house, and he IMMEDIATELY takes the ball hidden in his other hand (See! I told you he's sneaky) and throw that out the door while you're occupied. If numerous people haven't seen this for themselves, then I would think it was a "one time" thing.


He is keeping me on my toes, for sure!

One-track mind?

So, a while back I posted this about a chick I work with (who isn't with the company any longer.) Turns out she's...um...knocked up, and decided that she needed to make sure she would have enough money for when the baby arrived, so she quit.

Yeah.

That weird face you just made?

That was my reaction too. I'm not sure she's aware that she won't HAVE any money, if she's not working, but the link to that other post gives you an idea of how...odd...she is.

Anyways, I digress.

The whole reason for this post is because my stepdad texted me yesterday with, "I have been reading your blog. Please send pictures of the blow up doll. Your mom says ok. Honest."


Creepy, no?? Well, I thought it was hilarious, and if I HAD any pics, I'd share. Of course, I'd blur out the face and stuff so as not to embarrass her, but the whole point of that last post was to get across that the girl has no brain cells! It wasn't so much supposed to be about her looks, but apparently men have one-track minds. I thought it was interesting. lol And funny. So I had to share!

Blow-Up Doll?

Occasionally, I have come across someone who has defied the definition of "able," but until recently, I haven't met a person who I thought would have better been born as a blow-up doll.

Yes, you heard that correctly, a blow-up doll...with all the connotations that it brings to mind. You know the type, perfect body, gorgeous face, a wardrobe that barely covers the..ahem..ass(ets). Someone that makes Jessica Simpson look brilliant.

How can that be possible? As proof, the following are ACTUAL happenings, sayings, and doings by this one person.

1. As they were leaving the office for a smoke break, Person A: "You should try the Camel Crush kind. I like them." Response from Ms. Blow Up Doll, "What are those? They're called Crush because they're as thin as a deck of cards, right?"
2. As she was driving to an event our office was handling, she calls me saying she's lost...TWO hours after she left the office. It's maybe a 30 minute drive MAX to the event. Keep in mind, this event is EXTREMELY easy to get to. I ask if she's on I-10. EVERYONE in Houston knows where I-10 is (as far as I know Ms. Blow-Up Doll was born in Houston). It's the highway she needed to be on to get to her event in Channelview. She tells me, "I don't know where I-10 is!" O. M. G. Are you freakin' serious??? So, I ask her where she is..."I don't know." Uhhh...ok...what do you see around you? She says, "A park." For REAL??? You can't give me a street name?? Then she gives me the name of a business. Uhhh...m'kay. Nice to know, but in order for me to get you found again, I need a street name. So I get that info, find out she's on 225 (WAY off her mark of where she's SUPPOSED to be.) I narrow down to where she is on 225, and it turns out she's about 15 miles down in Deer Park. I ask her how she wound up all the way over there. Her answer, "Someone cut me off, and I wound up on an exit ramp." Soooo...you drove 15 miles down that wrong way that you knew was a wrong way? You didn't figure you should turn around at some point? Hmmmm.... At that point, I tell her to turn around and to take Beltway 8 N to get to I-10. That would put her out about 2 blocks from her event. Keep in mind, she had already passed the Beltway. She says, "What's the Beltway? Where is it?" Again, keep in mind, EVERYONE in Houston know what and where the damn Beltway is! It's a freaking circle around the whole damned city! She says, "I'm coming up on Sam Houston Tollway." I say, uh huh. That's the Beltway, hon. She says, "Ok, which way?" Ok, fair enough question. I say, "Take the Beltway NORTH." Keep in mind that there are signs that SAY north and south. She says, "Which way is that?" OMG. "Turn right. That would be the hand that has the backwards 'L' on it." She exhausts me.
3. She has more wardrobe changes than a baby without a diaper. She comes into the office wearing a skirt that barely covers her butt. If I had her ass, I would wear it too, so I can't blame her. She pairs it with a blouse that barely covers her stomach and her boobs. I DO have her boobs..even bigger (and better, if I do say so myself), but even I would NEVER wear that to work! She also has a pair of ass-jacks that would leave me with nose-bleeds, and I wear 4 inch heels to work!! 20 minutes later, she goes into the bathroom and comes out wearing a completely different combination of teeny-tiny skirt, barely-there blouse, and high shoes. Uhhh...ok then. Whatever floats your boat. About an hour later, I notice she's now back in her original outfit. Come to find out later, that she had changed a couple of more times at the event she went to that day. And she wonders why she gets scummy guys staring at her all the time. Sheesh. We even had to have a meeting at work that yes, everyone is protected from sexual harrassment at work because of our policy, but if you wear certain types of clothes at an event, tradeshow, or roadshow, you can't complain when someone says something disgusting or offensive. What's soooo sad is that she didn't even realize that whole meeting was aimed at her. Everyone else did, though.

Trust me, there is SOOO much more about this chick that cracks me up, but I am already mentally exhausted just talking about her! It's going to have to wait for another "installment." We'll call them the "Ms. Blow-Up Doll Installments." There is enough fodder to keep you entertained for weeks!!

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IN OTHER NEWS, MY BABY IS WALKING!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALL BY HIMSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*tsk, tsk*

I'm so lazy! Haven't posted in such a LONG time! Of course, I do have a real life that needs my attention more often that not, so I promise, I will TRY to be a better blogger! lol

...Like anyone reads what I write anyways! lol And for all my family out there that actually READ this blog, for God's sake would you just please break down and start your own blog??!! It's kind of awkward that you seem to know everything going on in my life, and can quote things my children have said, even though you live in different cities/states, but I apparently don't know anything about you! Can we say AWK-ward!!!

Anyways, I digress. I don't seem to have a whole lot to say...strangely...I make mental notes when something funny/cool/weird happens to blog about it later, but I always procrastinate TOO long and then I forget!

But here's what's been going on in my life lately:

• My youngest turned 1..as in ONE year old! Can we say holy-FREAKIN-crap!

• Dalton is a gigantic tattletale now..."Moooommmyyy! Ryan is touching me! Mooommmyy! Ryan is throwing his food on the floor! (As if I weren't sitting right in front of him!) Mooommmy! Ryan is following me!" I'm about to go insane! At least it hasn't progressed to the infamous line my sister used against my brother in a horrendously long car ride! "Alex is looking out my window!!!"

• Ryan likes to play in the toilet...that Dalton just peed in. Eww.

• Ryan tries to drink from the bathtub spout when we're giving him a bath. Funny, but still kind of eww...even though it's clean, I still don't get the warm and fuzzies about drinking anything from my bathroom! lol

• Dalton will FINALLY get OFF the stairs in the swimming pool and "allow" us to hold him in the (slightly) deeper water. Major step for him.

• Ryan has now had about a kabillion ear infections in the last 3 months. They're going to put tubes in his ears. Even though they do it all the time, I still get extremely nervous and weepy about the idea of putting my child under general anesthesia.

• Dalton now knows how to lie...*sigh* As in, he was outside playing with my sister-in-law's kids with my mom on the porch. He asks her, "Grandma, can I pee outside?" My mom, trying not to laugh or be the "bad guy" says, "Well, I don't know. You'll have to ask your mommy." So, Dalton runs inside, and asks me, "Mommy, can I pee outside?" To which I reply, "ABSOLUTELY NOT! Go to the bathroom to pee!" So, what does Dalton do? My sneaky little child runs back outside with the door open, not 10 feet from me, where I can STILL hear him, and says, "Grandma, Mommy says ok, I can pee outside!" I immediately run outside to see my mom with her mouth hanging open, and my son with his willy in hand about to pee off the balcony! Do you have ANY idea how hard it was for me not to laugh when I was getting onto him???!!

• Ryan will eat anything. As in ANY THING. As in, that child will eat the dirt on the ground if I let him!

• I found out that taking 5 Benadryl at a time is kind of an interesting experience. I conked out at 7:30pm. I woke up at almost 9, hungry as a bear, wandered around the house for a few minutes still trying to figure out where the kitchen was, and why I was walking around, and went back to bed only to sleep the ENTIRE night...through my youngest throwing temper tantrums and everything at bed time.