Friday, June 19, 2009

Blow-Up Doll?

Occasionally, I have come across someone who has defied the definition of "able," but until recently, I haven't met a person who I thought would have better been born as a blow-up doll.

Yes, you heard that correctly, a blow-up doll...with all the connotations that it brings to mind. You know the type, perfect body, gorgeous face, a wardrobe that barely covers the..ahem..ass(ets). Someone that makes Jessica Simpson look brilliant.

How can that be possible? As proof, the following are ACTUAL happenings, sayings, and doings by this one person.

  1. As they were leaving the office for a smoke break, Person A: "You should try the Camel Crush kind. I like them." Response from Ms. Blow Up Doll, "What are those? They're called Crush because they're as thin as a deck of cards, right?"
  2. As she was driving to an event our office was handling, she calls me saying she's lost...TWO hours after she left the office. It's maybe a 30 minute drive MAX to the event. Keep in mind, this event is EXTREMELY easy to get to. I ask if she's on I-10. EVERYONE in Houston knows where I-10 is (as far as I know Ms. Blow-Up Doll was born in Houston). It's the highway she needed to be on to get to her event in Channelview. She tells me, "I don't know where I-10 is!" O. M. G. Are you freakin' serious??? So, I ask her where she is..."I don't know." Uhhh...ok...what do you see around you? She says, "A park." For REAL??? You can't give me a street name?? Then she gives me the name of a business. Uhhh...m'kay. Nice to know, but in order for me to get you found again, I need a street name. So I get that info, find out she's on 225 (WAY off her mark of where she's SUPPOSED to be.) I narrow down to where she is on 225, and it turns out she's about 15 miles down in Deer Park. I ask her how she wound up all the way over there. Her answer, "Someone cut me off, and I wound up on an exit ramp." drove 15 miles down that wrong way that you knew was a wrong way? You didn't figure you should turn around at some point? Hmmmm.... At that point, I tell her to turn around and to take Beltway 8 N to get to I-10. That would put her out about 2 blocks from her event. Keep in mind, she had already passed the Beltway. She says, "What's the Beltway? Where is it?" Again, keep in mind, EVERYONE in Houston know what and where the damn Beltway is! It's a freaking circle around the whole damned city! She says, "I'm coming up on Sam Houston Tollway." I say, uh huh. That's the Beltway, hon. She says, "Ok, which way?" Ok, fair enough question. I say, "Take the Beltway NORTH." Keep in mind that there are signs that SAY north and south. She says, "Which way is that?" OMG. "Turn right. That would be the hand that has the backwards 'L' on it." She exhausts me.
  3. She has more wardrobe changes than a baby without a diaper. She comes into the office wearing a skirt that barely covers her butt. If I had her ass, I would wear it too, so I can't blame her. She pairs it with a blouse that barely covers her stomach and her boobs. I DO have her boobs..even bigger (and better, if I do say so myself), but even I would NEVER wear that to work! She also has a pair of ass-jacks that would leave me with nose-bleeds, and I wear 4 inch heels to work!! 20 minutes later, she goes into the bathroom and comes out wearing a completely different combination of teeny-tiny skirt, barely-there blouse, and high shoes. Uhhh...ok then. Whatever floats your boat. About an hour later, I notice she's now back in her original outfit. Come to find out later, that she had changed a couple of more times at the event she went to that day. And she wonders why she gets scummy guys staring at her all the time. Sheesh. We even had to have a meeting at work that yes, everyone is protected from sexual harrassment at work because of our policy, but if you wear certain types of clothes at an event, tradeshow, or roadshow, you can't complain when someone says something disgusting or offensive. What's soooo sad is that she didn't even realize that whole meeting was aimed at her. Everyone else did, though.

Trust me, there is SOOO much more about this chick that cracks me up, but I am already mentally exhausted just talking about her! It's going to have to wait for another "installment." We'll call them the "Ms. Blow-Up Doll Installments." There is enough fodder to keep you entertained for weeks!!