Sunday, January 6, 2008

Sad realizations of pregnancy

-Pregnant women do NOT glow. They sweat, have pimples, and get flushed cheeks. It is not pretty. People who tell you that you're glowing, are trying to be nice. They are lying to you.

- Your hair growth rate is ri-DIC-ulous! Sure, some if it is hormones, some of it is prenatal vitamins, but the end result is the same. You come out looking like a werewolf.

- Shaving becomes a feat of acrobatic talent. I feel like I'm trying out for cirque du soleil. And the sheer difficulty of that leads to giving up shaving...which leads to more of the werewolf look.

- Your primal instincts kick in. In my case, I growled at a waiter who took my fries off the table before I was done. He brought them back. lol

-The piggy look sucks. And anyone who tells you that it will go away after you give birth is lying. It only goes away if you happen to be one of those people who gets off on OCD exercising. And if you ARE one of those, I feel so inclined to warn CPS that maybe your newborn isn't being looked after. *sticking out my tongue*

- Not being able to write with a pen because your fingers resemble sausages really sucks.

- Not being able to wear any shoes other than flip flops because your toes resemble sausages really sucks.

- Feeling like you're living in Chernoble because your ass is spewing noxious, radioactive gases against your will sucks. It makes you hope your baby doesn't come out with 2 heads or 4 arms from being in such close proximity.

- Suddenly hating your favorite food is sad. Suddenly having a craving for sushi with mayo and onions is even sadder. Thank GOD I don't have that craving, but it gets my point across.

- Getting stuck on the doctor's table flat on your back for the first time is a unique experience. This is the point where you realize that the whole Life Alert thing is a pretty good idea after all!

- Realizing that you'd be too embarrassed to actually USE Life Alert and having a 5 minute fantasty imagining all the different scenarios you could be stuck on your back and different ways to roll yourself over and get up is unique to pregnant women and seniors. Kind of sad, huh?

- Your mind wanders CONSTANTLY. You get pregnancy brain, which means you drift off into lala land quite often. You forget words you've known all your life (well, not forget, but you have the tip-of-the-tongue experience a LOT). This is a potentially embarrassing situation. Especially if you are in public, like maybe in the middle of ordering your favorite, complicated, drink from Starbucks. "Yes, I'd like a triple mocha caramel...uhh...what's that coffee, but it's not coffee....uhhh...YEAH...cappucino..that's it!" Having it happen at work really sucks too. "Yes boss, I finished the project on the...well, the umm..thingy...that has a chart, that's shaped like an.,..umm...well, uh you know."


Ashley said...

Interestingly put.

Shauna said...

Yeah I was kind of in a weird mood. lol