Tuesday, March 25, 2008

*Disclaimer* Content herewithin may be hazardous to your sanity

Yeah, so you read the disclaimer, right?? Just to prepare you a little...this is just one of these days where I need to Vent...with a capital V. Probably just hormones, but if I don't get some of this off my chest, I may never again retain the ability to breathe.

Let's just start off with a positive first. Easter was great! :-) My little man is SUCH a natural egg-hunter! This is the first year we started that with him, and I was kind of worried that he wouldn't have a clue what he was supposed to do, but all I had to do is tell him to go find some eggs. The first one was right in his face, so of course he found that one right away! After that, he GOT IT. I think he found all the eggs within 1 minute FLAT. So not kidding. lol

Now...on to the Venting! Now that I'm actually putting it into words, I'm not quite sure where to start. If it sounds a bit rambling at times, sorry. lol It's kind of been a back-up of things for a while. I'm already hormonal and emotional. Constantly being worried about a high-risk pregnancy and what's going to happen next has stressed me out beyond belief. Some days I really think that my nerves have finally frayed to the breaking point. But somehow, I keep going. After all, I'm a mom. I'm needed, therefore not allowed to break down. Add all the normal hormones on top of that, and I constantly feel like I'm about to break into tears. And I have...several times. Usually at the office, lol. Only once or twice in front of Dalton. lol But it's hard to have to hold back know, it makes it hard to breathe, your chest burns, your eyes water up...yeah..not a pretty sight I'm sure.

Secondly, I know Dean tries his best...but let's face it: He's male. He fucks things up. And of course, he looks at me like a bug on the bottom of my shoe when I get all emotional and tell him he fucked up. lol Is it SOOOOOOOOO hard to ask that he be able to understand that I just need him to BE THERE sometimes??? I just don't feel like he understands, even slightly, what I am going through. Now that he's working nights, I barely see him, and I feel like I'm going through everything alone. look at me. I'm crying again.

Of course, everybody knows the crap I'm going through with my doctors. It's not AS bad now that they've split me into seeing like 8 different doctors, and I think my OB finally started taking me seriously once I had to make that midnight-ish visit to labor and delivery. But it's a scary feeling to feel like the people responsible for your baby's health and potential safe delivery are royal-ass retards! I feel like I know more than they do. That's kind of sad. I'm sure I don't; I'm not a doctor after all, but it's still hard to trust in someone you think is incredibly stupid and who does not LISTEN to you.

Yes, I've tried to find a new doctor. Unfortunately, I am currently on Medicaid since pre-existing spinal conditions make finding and affording private insurance almost impossible. Not all doctors accept that to start with....especially private doctors. They treat you like the lowest life-form if you even dare to ask. Not to mention, I don't really want to lost my referrals to see the pain management and spine doctors they sent me to. I actually do LOVE them. But, unfortunately, they're not in the baby-birthing business. lol

There's always the feeling that something's ELSE is going to happen. And it usually does. I try not to be fatalist, but I know my body, I know what the hazards were before I got pregnant. Of course, we were thrown a few curveballs we didn't expect at all, but my major concerns to start with were all related to my spine. I was quite shocked that up until now, I hadn't had any MAJOR problems with it. My orthopedic doc told me I had some unexplained numbness in my left hand the last time I saw him, so I was kind of preparing to have some issues with it now that I'm in the last trimester.

So, it really didn't surprise me when last Friday I started having some really ri-DONK-ulous pain across my lower back and hips and down my legs. When it didn't let up by Monday, I called the spine clinic and my pain management doc. Of course, neither called me back until today...but that's to be expected... They think pretty much what I did. Either I pinched a nerve, in which case it should get better with rest. Or (the worst of the 2) that my spine is swollen..again...and my herniated disk is putting pressure (or cutting off) the nerves to my legs. They said that with my spinal history, the 2nd option is most likely. And...of COURSE, since I'm prego...there's absolutely nothing they can do. Basically, they told me I'm doing too much, and if it gets worse they'll put me back on bedrest...I'm assuming to prevent my swollen spine from doing more damage...who knows.

So, even after all that, I get a call a little bit ago from my OB, who (apparently, conferring with the other 2 docs) seems to think that I'm asking for some kind of treatment...I'm not quite sure...the first words out of her mouth were, "You know we can't give you anything." I pretty much told her that I didn't ask. And considering every time I call HER office, I get the runaround about how they don't specialize in spines, or pain, or whatever the hell it is at the time. So, I stop calling her, and I call the doctor who DOES deal with it. Sheesh. All I wanted to know was if I needed to make an appointment to see the pain management doc or the spine CHECK and make sure nothing was a danger to my baby. Sheesh.

And NOW, I find out that higher-ups are whining because I'm not able to work full-time (because of the pain and medical crap...not because I choose to) and they had to hire another girl as well as pay me part-time. So, as of next week, I'm pretty much out of a job...Oh sure, Dot insists that when I come back after having the baby, I'll still have a job, but I'm not stupid. I'm in "contract" worker. The girl she hired is on payroll. There is no way she's going to risk getting sued by getting rid of the other girl when she has no legal obligations to me. Ughh. It doesn't matter that I'm the better person (no, I'm not trying to be snobby), but I HAVE been with the company for 8 years. I AM a top recruiter, and I know it. It just sucks, because I can't do anything about it.

And of course, Dot WAS the one throwing my baby shower. Looks like that's not happening now. :-( :-(

So, to sum it up....I'm hormonal and emotional, Dean doesn't seem to care or appreciate what I'm going through, my doctors are retards, I'm in ridiculous, constant pain, my doctors tell me I'm doing too much, and my work says I'm not doing enough, and now I'm basically on forced bed rest. Probably good for the baby and my body. Sucky for finances and job security. So, I'm feeling REALLY REALLY overwhelmed. It's like the world really IS out to get me. lol


Ashley said...

Sorry girl :(
Wishing you all the best.
Love ya.
Let me know if I can help in any way.

Shauna said...

Thanks. :-) I'm starting to think it'll be nice to have a little "vacation" anyways. lol I just hate not working...I get too bored with NOTHING to do! lol