Friday, June 19, 2009

Blow-Up Doll?

Occasionally, I have come across someone who has defied the definition of "able," but until recently, I haven't met a person who I thought would have better been born as a blow-up doll.

Yes, you heard that correctly, a blow-up doll...with all the connotations that it brings to mind. You know the type, perfect body, gorgeous face, a wardrobe that barely covers the..ahem..ass(ets). Someone that makes Jessica Simpson look brilliant.

How can that be possible? As proof, the following are ACTUAL happenings, sayings, and doings by this one person.

  1. As they were leaving the office for a smoke break, Person A: "You should try the Camel Crush kind. I like them." Response from Ms. Blow Up Doll, "What are those? They're called Crush because they're as thin as a deck of cards, right?"
  2. As she was driving to an event our office was handling, she calls me saying she's lost...TWO hours after she left the office. It's maybe a 30 minute drive MAX to the event. Keep in mind, this event is EXTREMELY easy to get to. I ask if she's on I-10. EVERYONE in Houston knows where I-10 is (as far as I know Ms. Blow-Up Doll was born in Houston). It's the highway she needed to be on to get to her event in Channelview. She tells me, "I don't know where I-10 is!" O. M. G. Are you freakin' serious??? So, I ask her where she is..."I don't know." Uhhh...ok...what do you see around you? She says, "A park." For REAL??? You can't give me a street name?? Then she gives me the name of a business. Uhhh...m'kay. Nice to know, but in order for me to get you found again, I need a street name. So I get that info, find out she's on 225 (WAY off her mark of where she's SUPPOSED to be.) I narrow down to where she is on 225, and it turns out she's about 15 miles down in Deer Park. I ask her how she wound up all the way over there. Her answer, "Someone cut me off, and I wound up on an exit ramp." drove 15 miles down that wrong way that you knew was a wrong way? You didn't figure you should turn around at some point? Hmmmm.... At that point, I tell her to turn around and to take Beltway 8 N to get to I-10. That would put her out about 2 blocks from her event. Keep in mind, she had already passed the Beltway. She says, "What's the Beltway? Where is it?" Again, keep in mind, EVERYONE in Houston know what and where the damn Beltway is! It's a freaking circle around the whole damned city! She says, "I'm coming up on Sam Houston Tollway." I say, uh huh. That's the Beltway, hon. She says, "Ok, which way?" Ok, fair enough question. I say, "Take the Beltway NORTH." Keep in mind that there are signs that SAY north and south. She says, "Which way is that?" OMG. "Turn right. That would be the hand that has the backwards 'L' on it." She exhausts me.
  3. She has more wardrobe changes than a baby without a diaper. She comes into the office wearing a skirt that barely covers her butt. If I had her ass, I would wear it too, so I can't blame her. She pairs it with a blouse that barely covers her stomach and her boobs. I DO have her boobs..even bigger (and better, if I do say so myself), but even I would NEVER wear that to work! She also has a pair of ass-jacks that would leave me with nose-bleeds, and I wear 4 inch heels to work!! 20 minutes later, she goes into the bathroom and comes out wearing a completely different combination of teeny-tiny skirt, barely-there blouse, and high shoes. Uhhh...ok then. Whatever floats your boat. About an hour later, I notice she's now back in her original outfit. Come to find out later, that she had changed a couple of more times at the event she went to that day. And she wonders why she gets scummy guys staring at her all the time. Sheesh. We even had to have a meeting at work that yes, everyone is protected from sexual harrassment at work because of our policy, but if you wear certain types of clothes at an event, tradeshow, or roadshow, you can't complain when someone says something disgusting or offensive. What's soooo sad is that she didn't even realize that whole meeting was aimed at her. Everyone else did, though.

Trust me, there is SOOO much more about this chick that cracks me up, but I am already mentally exhausted just talking about her! It's going to have to wait for another "installment." We'll call them the "Ms. Blow-Up Doll Installments." There is enough fodder to keep you entertained for weeks!!



Monday, June 8, 2009

*tsk, tsk*

I'm so lazy! Haven't posted in such a LONG time! Of course, I do have a real life that needs my attention more often that not, so I promise, I will TRY to be a better blogger! lol

...Like anyone reads what I write anyways! lol And for all my family out there that actually READ this blog, for God's sake would you just please break down and start your own blog??!! It's kind of awkward that you seem to know everything going on in my life, and can quote things my children have said, even though you live in different cities/states, but I apparently don't know anything about you! Can we say AWK-ward!!!

Anyways, I digress. I don't seem to have a whole lot to say...strangely...I make mental notes when something funny/cool/weird happens to blog about it later, but I always procrastinate TOO long and then I forget!

But here's what's been going on in my life lately:

  • My youngest turned in ONE year old! Can we say holy-FREAKIN-crap!

  • Dalton is a gigantic tattletale now..."Moooommmyyy! Ryan is touching me! Mooommmyy! Ryan is throwing his food on the floor! (As if I weren't sitting right in front of him!) Mooommmy! Ryan is following me!" I'm about to go insane! At least it hasn't progressed to the infamous line my sister used against my brother in a horrendously long car ride! "Alex is looking out my window!!!"

  • Ryan likes to play in the toilet...that Dalton just peed in. Eww.

  • Ryan tries to drink from the bathtub spout when we're giving him a bath. Funny, but still kind of eww...even though it's clean, I still don't get the warm and fuzzies about drinking anything from my bathroom! lol

  • Dalton will FINALLY get OFF the stairs in the swimming pool and "allow" us to hold him in the (slightly) deeper water. Major step for him.

  • Ryan has now had about a kabillion ear infections in the last 3 months. They're going to put tubes in his ears. Even though they do it all the time, I still get extremely nervous and weepy about the idea of putting my child under general anesthesia.

  • Dalton now knows how to lie...*sigh* As in, he was outside playing with my sister-in-law's kids with my mom on the porch. He asks her, "Grandma, can I pee outside?" My mom, trying not to laugh or be the "bad guy" says, "Well, I don't know. You'll have to ask your mommy." So, Dalton runs inside, and asks me, "Mommy, can I pee outside?" To which I reply, "ABSOLUTELY NOT! Go to the bathroom to pee!" So, what does Dalton do? My sneaky little child runs back outside with the door open, not 10 feet from me, where I can STILL hear him, and says, "Grandma, Mommy says ok, I can pee outside!" I immediately run outside to see my mom with her mouth hanging open, and my son with his willy in hand about to pee off the balcony! Do you have ANY idea how hard it was for me not to laugh when I was getting onto him???!!

  • Ryan will eat anything. As in ANY THING. As in, that child will eat the dirt on the ground if I let him!

  • I found out that taking 5 Benadryl at a time is kind of an interesting experience. I conked out at 7:30pm. I woke up at almost 9, hungry as a bear, wandered around the house for a few minutes still trying to figure out where the kitchen was, and why I was walking around, and went back to bed only to sleep the ENTIRE night...through my youngest throwing temper tantrums and everything at bed time.