Tuesday, July 21, 2009

How To

(If you're 5 years old)

1.)Whine at your mom for 20 minutes until she gives up, finishes, drags herself out of a nice, warm shower all soaking wet and shivering, and pulls the bread down from the inconveniently high cabinet.
- Or you could just let mom finish her shower and drag a chair (on wheels...chairs on wheels are the best for this task) into the kitchen, climb up to the cabinet, and knock out every item on the shelves to get to the bread.

2.) Repeat the same process for the peanut butter. Let mom get all the way back into the shower and then complain that you wanted crunchy peanut butter...noooott the creamy kind.

3.) Ignore exaperated pleas from your mom to let her at least wash the damn shampoo out of her hair and demand a knife. Accept the plastic substitute, because there is no way in heck your mom is going to give you a real one. But complain loud, and very whiny, that you want a REAL one.

4.) Open the refrigerator so hard that the milk comes flying out and falls to the floor, popping the little plastic top off so that all the milk flows to the floor.

5.) Say just barely loud enough for your mom to hear, "Uh oh," and ignore her when she says from the bathroom, "What do you MEAN, uh oh???? What dd you do??? Did you break anything?"

6.) Leave milk on floor and cover it with a paper towel.

7.) Get jelly out of the refrigerator. Grape jelly only. Apple jelly is yucky. Your mom will eat it. Leave refrigerator door open.

8.) Stand on the chair (the one on wheels), and proceed to smear the peanut butter onto every surface in the kitchen. Bonus points if you can do it without leaving the chair. Don't forget to get it into the toaster.

9.) Repeat process with the jelly, but this time, make sure to get the jelly all over the burners on the stove so that it catches on fire the next time your mom turns it on. Think of it as a jelly surprise, or a jelly candle.

10.) Leave all ingredients on the counters...or floor.

11.) Sit in front of the TV and ignore your mom when she comes out of the bathroom, walks into the kitchen, and screams.