Tuesday, July 21, 2009

How To

(If you're 5 years old)

1.)Whine at your mom for 20 minutes until she gives up, finishes, drags herself out of a nice, warm shower all soaking wet and shivering, and pulls the bread down from the inconveniently high cabinet.
- Or you could just let mom finish her shower and drag a chair (on wheels...chairs on wheels are the best for this task) into the kitchen, climb up to the cabinet, and knock out every item on the shelves to get to the bread.

2.) Repeat the same process for the peanut butter. Let mom get all the way back into the shower and then complain that you wanted crunchy peanut butter...noooott the creamy kind.

3.) Ignore exaperated pleas from your mom to let her at least wash the damn shampoo out of her hair and demand a knife. Accept the plastic substitute, because there is no way in heck your mom is going to give you a real one. But complain loud, and very whiny, that you want a REAL one.

4.) Open the refrigerator so hard that the milk comes flying out and falls to the floor, popping the little plastic top off so that all the milk flows to the floor.

5.) Say just barely loud enough for your mom to hear, "Uh oh," and ignore her when she says from the bathroom, "What do you MEAN, uh oh???? What dd you do??? Did you break anything?"

6.) Leave milk on floor and cover it with a paper towel.

7.) Get jelly out of the refrigerator. Grape jelly only. Apple jelly is yucky. Your mom will eat it. Leave refrigerator door open.

8.) Stand on the chair (the one on wheels), and proceed to smear the peanut butter onto every surface in the kitchen. Bonus points if you can do it without leaving the chair. Don't forget to get it into the toaster.

9.) Repeat process with the jelly, but this time, make sure to get the jelly all over the burners on the stove so that it catches on fire the next time your mom turns it on. Think of it as a jelly surprise, or a jelly candle.

10.) Leave all ingredients on the counters...or floor.

11.) Sit in front of the TV and ignore your mom when she comes out of the bathroom, walks into the kitchen, and screams.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

An open letter...

Dear Ms. Cashier-at-the-gas-station-lady,

I have seen you in this gas station every single day...well, Monday through Friday anyways...for the last 6 months. You are not new. As per your bragging to another customer a few weeks ago, you have been doing your job for 2 years. So, why do you ACT like you're new??

Why do you have to call your manager to ask how to print a receipt out? You would think that all you have to do is print the "Receipt" button. It's on the register. I've seen it. I'm just sayin'. It's not that hard.

And another thing about that receipt. Sure, I may need to pump my gas before you give me a receipt, but there isn't any reason I can't tell you in advance that I'm going to need one. I did the whole gas station thing back in college. I know how it works. I know that you can't print a receipt for a purchase that happened prior to the most recent 3 purchases on that model of cash register. So, when I tell you I need one, when I'm done pumping and the thingy beeps at you, just print my receipt. Pretty please??? And no attitude. It makes you look like a fool. I'm just sayin.'

I could always start using the gas station across from you that has the fancy pumps that print your receipt right at the pump while you're still hanging the damn thing up. And the machines have yet to sprout annoying gum-chewing habits that sound like a cow chewing cud.

And machines sure don't hold up lines with incessant chatter to the customer at the register that just succeed in holding up the line. Want to know why? They don't talk. You don't need to say anything either other than "Have a nice day. Come again!" At 7:00 in the morning, I'm not much of a conversationalist anyways. I'm just sayin'. I really, really don't want to hear about the boil under your arm that you just got lanced, and not it keeps leaking pus, so you're going to go back to the doctor and make him clean it, and give you antibiotics, because your absolutely sure that you're going to get an infection and die, and then your husband would sue the crap out of the doctor, because obviously he doesn't know what he was doing, and he is way too young to be a doctor anyways. What's with all these young doctors today anyways? How is it possible for them to be legal? They're too young to have even just begun med school much less being ACTUAL doctors. Why, back in your day, all the good doctors were much older than you were....

You see where this is going? Yeah. Listening to that kind of stuff every morning is kind of annoying, so Ms. Cashier-at-the-gas-station-lady, can you just please, please, PLEASE just shut-UP??!!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Little piggy

My youngest, who is now almost 14 months old, is (obviously) growing and picking new things up on a daily basis. I sometimes refer to him at Satan's spawn (mainly because he has the most devilish personality and attitude sometimes occasionally all the time), but to me, he and his brother are my WORLD!

Even with him being impossible at times, he is cracking me up SO hard!

Case in point:

The other day, I noticed him shoving waffles down his gullet as fast as he could. Since I had not given him any waffles, I was kind of curious to how in the hell he got them. I watched him toddle over to the printer (Yes, the ACTUAL printer hooked up to the computer), flip the lid down, pull out waffles, and shove them in his mouth!

Yeah. Now, I've heard of kids hiding toys in just about anything (my brother even made the drawer under the stove his toy box), but hiding food???? In the printer???? He's special. That's all I have to say.

He's also FASCINATED with water! All kinds. He's a regular water baby. He even automatically starts kicking his legs and frogging his way in the pool when I hold him in the water on his stomach. But in the bathtub, he's thrilled with playing with the water as it comes out of the spout. A few days ago, he even started leaning down, turning his head, and drinking out of the spout. Like a dog. Yeah, he's special.

He's also an expert at playing peek-a-boo. It's the most adorable thing I've ever seen, but he has his own special version. This is how you play: Grab mommy's head with both your fists. Hold REALLY tight and dig in your fingernails. Now put your head on the side of her head (ear to ear). Now really fast, swing your head so that you are now forehead to forehead, and grin like crazy and drool on her.

He also like to play torture-my-brother. He thinks it's hilarious to eyeball my oldest while he's watching his favorite show, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, slowly walk or crawl to the TV while still watching him, and then jump in front of the TV and bang on it (often changing the channel) usually during an "exciting" moment in the show. Makes Dalton squeal and scream every time!

He also is a very crafty, sneaky child. He will walk or crawl to the door when I have it open smoking on the porch. I always tell him "No-no" when he tries to cross the threshold, and he is really good about stopping. He shoots me exasperated, dirty looks from time to time, but he does stop. Now, he will grab a toy (usually a ball) and try to chunk it out the door. His theory is if he throws something, I'll let him go outside to retrieve it. Every time, he will throw and then immediately go crawling after it. I've gotten really good at frisking him for toys and taking them away from him before he gets close to the door.

But NOW, he tries to fake you out. Seriously. He will take 1 ball and wave that all around to get your attention and then try to chunk it out the door. I grab it, turn and throw it back into the house, and he IMMEDIATELY takes the ball hidden in his other hand (See! I told you he's sneaky) and throw that out the door while you're occupied. If numerous people haven't seen this for themselves, then I would think it was a "one time" thing.

He is keeping me on my toes, for sure!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

One-track mind?

So, a while back I posted this about a chick I work with (who isn't with the company any longer.) Turns out she' up, and decided that she needed to make sure she would have enough money for when the baby arrived, so she quit.


That weird face you just made?

That was my reaction too. I'm not sure she's aware that she won't HAVE any money, if she's not working, but the link to that other post gives you an idea of how...odd...she is.

Anyways, I digress.

The whole reason for this post is because my stepdad texted me yesterday with, "I have been reading your blog. Please send pictures of the blow up doll. Your mom says ok. Honest."

Creepy, no?? Well, I thought it was hilarious, and if I HAD any pics, I'd share. Of course, I'd blur out the face and stuff so as not to embarrass her, but the whole point of that last post was to get across that the girl has no brain cells! It wasn't so much supposed to be about her looks, but apparently men have one-track minds. I thought it was interesting. lol And funny. So I had to share!