Sunday, April 27, 2008

Weird mood, I guess...

I haven't really been blogging much at all lately. I haven't really been doing much online lately besides checking e-mail. I've just been too tired to do anything. I spent last Thursday night in the hospital for pre-term labor again, so it's just taking a lot out of me I guess. On top of that, I tested positive for Group B Strep, which means that I'll have to be on antibiotics during labor to keep it from getting to the baby. If he gets the GBS disease, it could kill him or cause really horrible things like meningitis, cerebral palsy, etc. Nothing good, that's for sure. And to make it even worse, premature babies are even more susceptible to it even WITH getting antibiotics. It definitely reduces the risks, but it's not full-proof. So, even though he's trying awfully hard to come early, they're going to do everything they can to keep him in there. Ughh.

I'll just be happy if he stays in there until the baby shower. lol That's another thing that needs to be done even though I just feel like hiding from the world. It just kind of makes me sad a little. Pretty much ALL of my family (except for my mom and 1 aunt) and all of my sisters live out of state. They can't come, of course. I have so many friends that are also out of state that I wish could be here. It makes me feel a little lonely. And I know it's insane, but I keep having weird dreams that I'm going to be the only one at my baby shower. And some homeless dude walks up to me in them and says, "I guess nobody loves you, huh?" It's very disorienting. Ughh.

And I know it sounds kind of whiny, but I'm getting tired of people using me. I've always been a person who is willing to help other people. Usually, I'm the person that stuff gets dumped on because other people can't or won't do it. And yes, I do whatever it is that's asked. Usually without complaint. Now that I'm on bed rest until who knows when and have been practically incapacitated for months now by myself, taking care of a 4 year old, in horrible constant pain, anytime I need a favor or help with something....people scatter. It's really sad.

And one person in particular seems to think that because I am stuck at home, that I am her personal and research assistant...She'll call me and say, "I need you to do this, this, and this for me, and you'll have to call this and this...." She even wanted me to call CANADA for her...on MY cell phone. Crazy, right? And yes, it was work related. But the point of being put on bedrest was to REDUCE the amount of stress my body is going through. She seems to think it's an opportunity to make me do more grunt work that she could do herself but doesn't for some crazy reason. Oh, and she seems to think that Dean can do personal favors for her too. Let's get one thing straight...Dean does not and never has worked for her...EVER. He has his own job and he works nights. Which means that he is unavailable during the days anyways. She actually told me to get Dean to go buy a computer for her!!! Yes, Dean is a computer genius or whatever, but she doesn't pay him for his time. She expects him to do just about as much work as I do...for free. Hell, she hasn't even paid ME in 4 weeks. Ughh. Oh, and anytime there's anything that needs to be moved around in the furniture....she expects Dean to do it. I've never let him do it and have always told her no, but apparently she doesn't get the point. Especially when she has 30 other people working for her that could help her out.

I keep getting frustrated at myself too. I hate feeling crappy, and I hate feeling like a neg-ball constantly. It's so hard to feel positive or even excited when I keep getting hit with one thing after another...every single week. Happy things DO happen..all the time...but they keep getting put off by crappy things. For example, my sister just gave birth to my niece on the 23rd (yes, just this last Wednesday! :-) Yay!). One day later, I get put in the hospital for pre-term labor and find out that my baby could die because of the GBS. Yeah...kind of kills the happy news, huh? And it's like that every week. Things keep happening.

And if I get one more person tell me that God is just testing me, I'm going to slap them. Seriously.


Ashley said...

If you need anything, let me know :)

Shauna said...

Thank you, chica. :-) I appreciate it!