Monday, December 8, 2008

For all you pregos!

I'm not entirely sure what it is with this time of year, but I have noticed now and in the past, (as it was with me) that there are a LOT of prego's walking around. Since, I can't figure out how to link to my previous posts, I had to copy/paste this!

So, this is for you...
...and I'm leaving someone out here....uhhh....
Oh yeah! Casey!

-Pregnant women do NOT glow. They sweat, have pimples, and get flushed cheeks. It is not pretty. People who tell you that you're glowing, are trying to be nice. They are lying to you.

- Your hair growth rate is ri-DIC-ulous! Sure, some if it is hormones, some of it is prenatal vitamins, but the end result is the same. You come out looking like a werewolf.

- Shaving becomes a feat of acrobatic talent. I feel like I'm trying out for cirque du soleil. And the sheer difficulty of that leads to giving up shaving...which leads to more of the werewolf look.

- Your primal instincts kick in. In my case, I growled at a waiter who took my fries off the table before I was done. He brought them back. lol

-The piggy look sucks. And anyone who tells you that it will go away after you give birth is lying. It only goes away if you happen to be one of those people who gets off on OCD exercising. And if you ARE one of those, I feel so inclined to warn CPS that maybe your newborn isn't being looked after. *sticking out my tongue*

- Not being able to write with a pen because your fingers resemble sausages really sucks.

- Not being able to wear any shoes other than flip flops because your toes resemble sausages really sucks.

- Feeling like you're living in Chernoble because your ass is spewing noxious, radioactive gases against your will sucks. It makes you hope your baby doesn't come out with 2 heads or 4 arms from being in such close proximity.

- Suddenly hating your favorite food is sad. Suddenly having a craving for sushi with mayo and onions is even sadder. Thank GOD I don't have that craving, but it gets my point across.

- Getting stuck on the doctor's table flat on your back for the first time is a unique experience. This is the point where you realize that the whole Life Alert thing is a pretty good idea after all!- Realizing that you'd be too embarrassed to actually USE Life Alert and having a 5 minute fantasty imagining all the different scenarios you could be stuck on your back and different ways to roll yourself over and get up is unique to pregnant women and seniors. Kind of sad, huh?

- Your mind wanders CONSTANTLY. You get pregnancy brain, which means you drift off into lala land quite often. You forget words you've known all your life (well, not forget, but you have the tip-of-the-tongue experience a LOT). This is a potentially embarrassing situation. Especially if you are in public, like maybe in the middle of ordering your favorite, complicated, drink from Starbucks. "Yes, I'd like a triple mocha caramel...uhh...what's that coffee, but it's not coffee....uhhh...YEAH...cappucino..that's it!" Having it happen at work really sucks too. "Yes boss, I finished the project on the...well, the umm..thingy...that has a chart, that's shaped like an.,..umm...well, uh you know."


1. If I "suggest" that a certain food looks, smells, or tastes good, I'm not telling you this for my health. It means I have a craving.
2. If I have a craving, I NEED it! And YES, if I don't get it, I may murder something.
3. If I get a craving, and it takes you longer than 20 minutes to get it, don't get annoyed if by the time you get home with it, I don't want it anymore, and the thought of it makes me sick.
4. Don't ever tell me that my pants look tight....for your own safety...especially if I have had a craving in the last 24 hours. And ESPECIALLY if I had a craving that did not get fulfilled.
5. If I need help with ANYTHING, it is your cue to tell me to sit down and rest and to let you do it.
6. You should automatically offer your help instead of waiting for me to ask.
7. Don't shake any body parts (i.e. Your legs) It annoys me...and no, I don't have a particular reason. It just does.
8. Don't fart. Even in your sleep.
9. Don't EVER look at another woman, in person OR on TV. It may not annoy me normally, but NOW I am pregnant, fat, and ugly, and it's your fault.
10. Pregnant women fart, burp, get heartburn, throw-up on a daily basis, and every other disgusting thing you can imagine. Get over it and pretend you didn't notice it.
11. Restrain your flailing limbs when you're sleeping. I wake up enough during in the middle of the night to pee. I don't need you adding to it. Before you comment, read #12.
12. Hormonal brains are not logical.
13. So WHAT if a movie doesn't make sense!? I don't care if the main character could have done something in 10 minutes instead of 1 and a half hours. Read #12 again.
14. Your job is to make me comfortable. If I need a back rub at 3am, I need a back rub.
15. You should ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS carry your cell phone with you. I certainly don't need to mention that it comes in handy if...oh let's say..I go into labor! But it also helps if I have a craving and you're not home.
16. Excuse me if I don't want your tongue shoved down my throat when I'm nauseous. And we won't mention sex either. You'll be lucky if I decide to EVER do that again. After all, it's your fault that I'm pregnant.
17. If I say it's your fault, then it is.
18. Don't argue. I'm always right. We can go back to negotiating AFTER the hormones are gone.
19. You can't win an argument. Don't try. You'll just wind up sleeping on the couch.
20. If you're annoying me, then stop doing whatever it is you were doing.
21 Playing computer games 24/7 annoys me.
22. Drinking something straight from the bottle or jug annoys me...and makes me want to puke.
23. Cutting your toenails in front of me makes me gag.
24. Feet are gross. Don't put yours near me.
25. I can smell you a mile away after you've done anything physical. It makes me gag. Don't get offended if I tell you about it. I don't care. I just want you to fix it.
26. If I want you to spend time with me, that means NOW. Not in 20 minutes. The "Ok, let me finish this first." doesn't apply to you.
27. I don't like beards, or anything that may become a beard if left unshaven. Fix it. Immediately. ESPECIALLY if I've made a comment.
28. Innocent statements, observations, and comments have a deeper meaning. Figure it out, and do it.
29. Taking what I say at face value is hazardous to your health. Learn to read between the lines.
30. I reserve the right to change my mind about anything, anytime, anywhere.
31. If you do something to embarrass me, even if you have no clue that you're doing it, I will pretend that I don't know you.
32. I get pissed of EXTREMELY easily. So what if I remind you of Satan? Get used to it. It'll pass eventually.
33. I cry at stupid things. This will get worse the fatter I get. Get used to it. Your job is to console me.
34. Don't touch me when you're consoling me. It only reminds me that I'm pregnant, fat, and ugly, and it'll make me cry harder.
35. Pregnant women do get horny. If I actually do deign to gift you that privilege, don't turn me down because the baby belly scares or repulses you. Close your eyes.
36. I reserve the right to make up new rules at any moment.
37. You don't have any input- anywhere, anytime, or for any reason. Refer back to #18 and #19.


Penelope said...

I totally LOVE this. I am sending it to a friend of mine who is twenty weeks along. She'll appriciate it.


Shauna said...

No problem! :-) I...obviously...wrote that during a "weird" stage in my last pregnancy, and I hope she never reaches it! lol